Four years. III.




(Nézőpontot váltunk.)

It’s easier than you think. After days of being unable to get out of bed, you wake up one day and you know what you need to do.

When you show up at his place, he looks so familiar, he looks like before, and there’s nothing in the world you want more than go back and be the two person you were before. But it’s not a movie where you magically get a power to go back in time and change everything. It’s your life, your fucked up life where things never happen the way you want, you never get what you want. You were never supposed to get a happy ending.

It’s a goodbye and you both know it. Four years minimum, you tell him and see something change in him: he’s speechless, just staring at you and the only thing you want to say is don’t let me leave, give me a reason to stay, but the words never come. Not from you, not from him. It hits you hard, the realization, that he could never say that. You two aren’t on the same page, you’re always at least three steps ahead of him, like you always were. It hurts, it hurts so fucking much you want to scream and shatter every single piece of your heart so it would finally stop beating. You’re not surprised, though. This is not about love; it was never supposed to be about love and you can only thank yourself for being so stupid and falling for him.

You know he could never love you, how could he? You were never enough for anyone, you’re just a failure, a burden, who always pushes others to exceed their limits but you can’t help it. You need to feel loved, you want nothing more than being able to believe that you’re worth it, that you’re more than just a cheap lay or a warm mouth, but you’re at the point where it seems impossible. You’re not enough, you’ll never be enough, not for him, not for anyone.

You let out a smile when you hear him mutter a soft don’t, but inside you break again. It happens every time he says something harsh you want to believe is just a cover of his feelings but this time it’s different.

Your brain and heart work together so perfectly, telling you if he loved you, if he cared about you he would say so much more than a simple ’don’t’; he wouldn’t let you go, and you believe them. Finally, after years of trying, you let the thought sink in; you’re not worth it, you’re not worth all the shit he had gone through and would have to go through to be with you.

You look at him one last time, asking don’t what?, without actually expecting an answer. Instead you silently say goodbye to him, hoping one day he’ll find someone else who can make him happy, in a better future where loving someone won’t seem so impossible for him.

And for the first time in your life you try not to be selfish.

You don’t ask for that person to be you.